


There’s nothing wrong with me

by Courtkpop123



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Hospitalization, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Sad Im Changkyun | I.M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25148032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courtkpop123/pseuds/Courtkpop123
Summary: Changkyun felt on top of one world. He was part of the successful Kpop band Monsta x. However, the maknae was beginning to act strange.* I am going to try and write a fanfic a week on my days off so I have something new to post once a fanfic has finished. Any requests for Changkyun or J-Hope please post in the comments. :)
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone
Comments: 16
Kudos: 129





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic, so it is in nowhere near perfect. There may be mistakes here and there and not everything is accurate but this was written during lockdown, gave me something to do. Please enjoy :) 
> 
> I also have others written, I mainly write about J-Hope and Changkyun so may post these at some point.
> 
> Feel free to post a request.

Changkyun felt amazing. They had just finished their last concert and he couldn’t have been happier. Truth is, he felt on top of the world. Who wouldn’t be after finishing a two month tour. He was still buzzing when they went out for their end of tour meal with all the staff.

“God, it feels great doesn’t it hyungs. I mean, don’t you just feel great?”

The older members smiled at the boys hyper-activeness. “Ya, kyunnie you’re very hyper” wonho said with a chuckle.

“It just feels great to know we get to go home, you know.”  
Truth is, Changkyun had felt amazing non stop for the past month or so. The members practically couldn’t keep up with him. They didn’t think anything of it though, just that he was finally acting like a typical maknae.

“Least we know he will sleep well tonight”. Kihyun whispered to shownu.

“I think we all will after the past two months we’ve had. I’m just glad he’s enjoying himself” shownu responded.

——————————  
Changkyun was sat at the dorms table eating breakfast. They had returned home two nights ago, the company giving them some much needed time off. 

He was shovelling a spoon full in when a tired looking hyungwon entered rubbing his eyes. He was shocked to see the maknae sitting wide eyed at the table.

“Ya, Changkyun. How long have you been awake? It’s 7 in the morning.”

“7 o clock already!” The boy looked at his watch. “I dunno, only about 3 hours or so” a smile on his face.

“You’ve been awake since 4 in the morning. What on earth is wrong with you? We didn’t go to bed until half 1.” Hyungwon said slightly concerned.

“Wasn’t tired is all.” He stated nonchalantly.  
He carried on shovelling his breakfast into his mouth.

Hyungwon only sighed before moving to make his own breakfast. He felt slightly uneasy at how alert the boy was for someone who had only slept for 2 and a half hours. He brushed his concern of as overthinking.

——————————  
It was 3 days later and the members had decided to go to a local theme park for the day. Changkyun had been non stop hyper all day and it was wearing the other members out. They couldn’t keep up with him.

“Changkyun, slow down.” Minhyuk huffed. “We need to get a drink first.”

“But hyung, the line for galactica isn’t that long at the moment!” The younger whined.

“Changkyun, it’s fine, we still have a lot of time. We are all thirsty, come on!” Shownu said.

Changkyun paused, looking between the members and to the entrance to the ride before giving in to his hyungs wishes.

They ordered some cold drinks, the older 6 boys sitting at a bench while Changkyun ran off to the bathroom.

“He’s really getting on my nerves today” jooheon huffed.

Wonho gave him a sympathetic smile. “He’s just having fun that’s all. Although, he’s been very hyperactive lately.”

“He’s probably just coming off from the high of the tour. He will calm down soon.” Kihyun said.

Hyungwon quickly looked over his shoulder before back to the members. “You know, I don’t know how he can be this alert though. In the past 3 days he’s only gotten about 5 hours sleep. He’s always awake when I go down for breakfast considering how late he goes to bed.”

Wonho gave the tall boy a look of concern before sipping his drink. “Maybe we should just keep an eye on him, he’s gonna make himself ill if he doesn’t get enough sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for reading :)
> 
> Feel free to post a request.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to post a request.

Even though they had time off, the boys decided to take a trip to the company building to get some dance practice in. They were sat on the floor taking a short break. Some taking the time to lay down while others were scrolling through their phones. Changkyun however, had another idea. He was currently sat tapping some drum sticks he had found continuously on the floor.

“Dum de dum dum dum, dum de dum dum dum” he hummed in tune with the drumsticks. Loudly I might add. This carried on for a minute before minhyuk exploded.

“CAN YOU STOP THAT!” The other boys stopped what they were doing to watch the scene playing out.

“Stop what?” Changkyun asked continuing to tap the drumsticks.

“That, stop that. It’s annoying”.

“Well don’t listen to it then.” The boy said calmly, not a care in the world.

“How can I when you are doing it right there!” Minhyuk stood up before snatching the sticks from his hands.

This elicited a frustrated look from the younger rapper. He stood up walking towards minhyuk. “Hey! Give those back!” 

Changkyun was trying to retrieve the sticks but minhyuk was holding them out of his reach.  
“I said give those back!” Before he knew what he was doing he had shoved the other back.

Minhyuk was able to catch himself before a look of shock passed his face. Changkyun had never gotten that angry before. 

Shownu finally spoke up. “Stop it, the both of you, this is the practice room, not a playground. Give those to me.” Minhyuk complied. “Changkyun, you can have these back later but we need to practice now”.

The maknae only huffed before finding his position for the dance.

Shownu directed a look of concern towards kihyun. Changkyun had never acted like that before, what had gotten in to him?

——————————  
It had been a week since the practice room incident. They had all been keeping an eye on Changkyun, noticing more strange behaviours appearing. 

It was currently 3 in the morning when wonho was awoken to clattering from the kitchen. He slowly got up.

“Kihyun” he whispered to the sleeping form. “Kihyun, wake up!”

“Huh... what?” The boy in question sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

“There’s someone in the kitchen” as if on que, they heard a cupboard door shut. 

They were both on their feet now. Walking out of their shared room towards the kitchen. They were surprised to be met with a busy looking maknae, flour covering his shirt, baking books strewn over the kitchen counter. He seemed to be mixing something while humming to himself.

“Changkyun” kihyun began. “What on earth are you doing?” 

The boy in question spun around wearing a huge grin on his face. “Oh, kihyun hyung, wonho hyung, you’re awake. Great!” He beamed.

“We shouldn’t be and neither should you. It’s 3 in the morning. What are you doing?” Wonho asked, frustration as well as concern laced in his voice.

“What does it look like. I’m making a cake silly! I thought we could celebrate!” He smiled.

Kihyun was confused now. “Celebrate what?”

“Finishing the tour of course. There is no time like the present. I’ve been thinking though, I mean if this music thing doesn’t work out, I could become a baker” he carried on mixing.

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I could open my own business. Ooo ooo, you could come and help, we could run it together. I could bake and you could sell them. It would be so much fun” the boy laughed.

“Changkyun, are you okay?” Wonho finally quizzed.

“Never better hyung, I just feel great, you know.” He turned back to the recipe in the book.

Kihyun grabbed wonho’s arm and pulled him into the living room. “Something‘s wrong with him, this isn’t normal. At first I thought it was just him being a hyper kid but this is weird”. He peered round seeing that Changkyun was still in his element.

“I think you are right, maybe we should speak to shownu in the morning, he might know what to do. He can speak to him.” 

“I hope so. Something is not right”.

—————————————

“So he was just casually making a cake at 3 in the morning?” Shownu questioned.

“Yeah, almost like it was completely normal. Me and kihyun tried to get him to go to bed but he just got frustrated. We didn’t want to anger him so we just stayed with him until he finished.”

“I see. We should talk to him. Where is he now?”

“He’s in the living room playing a game on the wii” kihyun told the leader.

The two singers followed the older to where Changkyun was currently standing waving a wii remote about.

“Changkyun” shownu started “we need to talk” 

The boy didn’t respond, only continuing to flap the controller about. Shownu moved infront of the tv and switched it off.

“Hey, I was playing that!” Changkyun whined.

“Sit down, we need to talk.”

“No, I need to play my game” he went to switch the tv back on before being stopped by the leaders raised voice.

“NO, sit down now, we need to talk”

Changkyun huffed before taking a seat. His leg tapping up and down quickly.

“What is going on with you Kyun?” The leader asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”.

“I think you do. Staying up late, getting stupid amount of hours sleep, answering back. Shall I go on?”

“So. What’s your point?”

“My point is, it’s not normal. Is something going on, has something happened?” 

“No. Why would you think something has happened?” He was only growing more agitated now.

“You’ve been acting weird for a while now, we are just worried about you”.

“What, because I’m happy that means I’m acting weird now does it?”

“That’s not what I’m saying Kyun, there’s being happy and then there’s baking a cake at 3 in the morning!”

“Look, I’m just enjoying my time off is all, sue me. Can I get back to my game now?” 

Shownu could see this was no use, he wasn’t going to get through to the boy. Maybe he would just have to speak to the company about getting someone to talk to him. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for reading, next chapter coming soon.
> 
> Feel free to post a request.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a request.

The members were back at work having had a few weeks off. However those weeks off were spent constantly worrying about Changkyun. Shownu had yet to figure out who to ask for help with the boys behaviour, he felt out of his depth.

They were currently on their 5th run through of the morning when everything seemed to go wrong.

Changkyun had missed a step, bumping into jooheon.

“Watch where you’re going” the maknae yelled.

“Me? But you’re the one who bumped into me” jooheon replied calmly.

“You always blame me. Maybe if you got into the right position in the first place then we wouldn’t be in this mess!” The younger was waving his fist now.

“Maybe if you could dance better then we could get on with it!” Jooheon spat back.

“Guys stop it, there is no need to argue”  
Hyungwon’s words seemed to go unheard however.

“Least I can rap, you sound like a choking cat!” Changkyun yelled.

“Well that’s your opinion, least people like my rap!”

That was the last straw before Changkyun saw red. He lunged forward punching Joohoen square in the jaw.

The other members could only look on in shock. Joohoen had the same look while holding his hand to his cheek. They could only see anger on the younger boys face.

“What is the meaning of this?” The manger spoke, having heard the commotion from down the hall. 

Shownu started to explain. “There was just a bit of a misunderstanding hyung.”

“Misunderstanding. It looks like Changkyun just punched jooheon, care to explain?”

“They just let their mouths get the better of them, and it escalated. That’s all”.

“Changkyun, I think you need to go home. This behaviour is unacceptable. I do not condone violence with this company. I think you should take a few days of.”

“What? But that’s not fair”.

“No buts, you should have thought about that before you decided to hit one of your own members. Now go home”. 

Changkyun sighed before packing up his stuff and heading out the door, not before giving jooheon an angry look. This made the boy feel uneasy.

Their manger closed the door before turning to the members.  
“What on earth is going on with him?”

Shownu looked up from the spot he had been staring at on the floor. “That’s the thing hyung, we were going to come and speak to you. We are worried about him, there is something seriously wrong with him. I think he’s needs to see someone, a doctor or something.”

“I agree with you, this is very out of the ordinary.”

————————————

“In the heat of the moment... da da da.... what’s keepin ya going da da da” 

Changkyun was whizzing round the kitchen, their song on full blast. He seemingly had forgotten about punching jooheon and being sent home, too engrossed in making cookies.

“Come on, come on. Hurry up!” He stopped to stare into the ovens door. 

Suddenly, the door sprung open revealing the rest of the boys. 

“Changkyun, where are you?” Wonho yelled.

The singing coming from the kitchen gave it away. They looked at one another before walking towards the boy. Jooheon following behind like a scolded puppy, he knew chankyun didn’t mean to punch him, he was just not in his right mind at the moment.

“Changkyun, what are you doing?”

“Making cookies. You can all have one! I was thinking if music doesn’t work out then I could become a baker” he was scratching harshly at his bruised knuckle. “We could all run it together, don’t you think that would be a good idea” he was still staring at the kitchen door.

“Changkyun, are you alright?” Wonho asked.

“I’m fine hyung. You know I think if music doesn’t work out I could become a baker. Did you know I want to be a baker hyung. You could help!”

They wore a worried expression now.  
“We know Kyun, you want to be a baker, we know. Can you stop for a moment and talk to us.”

The boy quickly stood up before giving them a confused look.  
“What is it? Is something wrong?” His hand was now red raw from scratching it constantly. What is it? I’m trying to bake. Jooheon what happened to your face? Oh yeah, I punched you... sorry about that. Hyung, did you know I want to be a baker, let me show you what I made”. 

“Changkyun, I think...”

“Oh no..no no no no no”. Changkyun opened the oven only to be met with smoke. Without thinking he grabbed the hot tray with his bare hand, not even flinching. 

Kihyun moved over to him quickly before placing the younger boys hand under the cold tap. He stood there for 5 seconds before returning to the tray of burnt cookies.

“No no no no”

“Changkyun, it’s ok” 

“NO, they are ruined.” He began to cry.

The others were scared now. 

As quickly as the crying started it stopped. He placed a smile back on his face. “It’s ok. I’ll just make new ones. Hyung did you know I want to be a ....”

“Baker. You want to be a baker. Changkyun you need to stop, we need to treat your hand” shownu exclaimed.

The rapper ignored this, continuing to scratch his now bloody knuckle. He wiped his face leaving a red mark on his cheek.

“I think we should call someone, an ambulance maybe. This is like a complete breakdown”. Minhyuk whispered. 

Changkyun begun grabbing more ingredients before he managed to knock the tray off the side sending the burnt cookies and flour flying over the floor. 

“NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID CHANGKYUN” he yelled to himself causing the others to flinch. “You made a mess, you made a mess. They are gonna be mad” the scratching intensified. He stopped for a moment reaching up to pull at his hair.

“Who’s gonna be mad Kyun?” Wonho stepped forward. 

“They are gonna be mad, so so so mad.” He shrunk down to the ground clenching his hair in his hand.”

“Call an ambulance now!” Wonho whispered back to the others. Hyungwon quickly pulled out his phone to do so.

The muscular member slowly edged closer to Changkyun so not to startle him. “Hey, Kyun, it’s okay. No ones mad.” 

“So mad... so so so so mad...” 

Wonho began edging closer only to stop dead in his tracks. The younger had grabbed a small but sharp knife that had fallen onto the floor. 

“Hey Kyun, it’s ok.”

“They are mad. I need to be punished, I have to be punished.” He croaked out.

Wonho’s eyes went wide when he realised what Changkyun was planning to do.

“Changkyun, listen to me. No one is mad okay. No one wants to punish you. So how about you give me the knife, yeah?”  
He slowly moved closer, crouching infront of him.

“Punish, I need to be punished.... did you know hyung, I want to be a baker.”

Jooheon was terrified. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. If they didn’t believe something serious was wrong with him then, they did now.

“Changkyun, look at me” it took a moment but the boy finally looked up. He looked so scared.  
“It’s going to be okay, you are safe here. No one wants to punish you. So you need to give me the knife.” He calmly reached his hand out gesturing for the boy to hand the blade to him.

Changkyun stared at him for a moment then back at the knife. After a tense couple of seconds, he finally handed it to the older whom gave it quickly to kihyun. 

“What’s happening to me?”

Wonho saw utter fear in his eyes. Honestly he didn’t know.

“I don’t know Kyun but we are gonna get you help, okay. It’s going to be okay”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a request.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, only a short one today...
> 
> Feel free to leave a request.

“...bipolar disorder”.

They couldn’t believe what they were hearing. The 6 boys were currently sat in the doctors office. Changkyun having been brought to the hospital 2 hours prior. He had to be sedated due to how manic he had become on the way to the hospital.

“What happens now?” Kihyun questioned.

The doctor gave them a sympathetic smile.  
“Well, we are going to hold him under a 72 hour psychiatric hold in which we will evaluate him properly to get an idea of how serious his case is. We will also decide on a medication to give him to level out the mania. After the 72 hours, we will make the decision whether to admit him for longer.”

“Can we see him?” Shownu asked.

“I’m afraid not. I know this is hard but in his current state, visitors are not a good idea. I suggest you go home and get some much needed rest. We will call you with any updates and I would like a meeting with you after the 72 hours to discuss the further actions that we will be taking. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you better news.”

“Thankyou doctor.”

————————————  
“I should have stopped this before it got this bad, we knew there was something wrong. We should have made him talk to someone sooner. Maybe they could have recognised the signs”. Shownu held his head in his hands.

Wonho put his hand on the leaders shoulder.  
“Hey it’s not your fault, we couldn’t have known how bad it was gonna get. It just seemed to escalate so quickly. Least now he’s with people who can help him” 

“Yeah, I suppose your right” he replied dejectedly.

Just at that moment kihyun walked in, sitting himself down at the table.

“What did they say?”

Kihyun had had the task of phoning their manager and letting them know what had happened.

“They said they are going to put us on a temporary hiatus, just while he’s getting better. They are going to put out a statement tomorrow.” He sighed.

“I knew something was wrong, but this? What are we going to do?”.

“Be there for him” Wonho replied. “He’s going to need all the support he can get, this is a big thing. It can change someone’s whole life.”

—————————————  
This is a statement from starship entertainment regarding the group monster x. Due to medical issues experienced by member IM CHANGKYUN, Monsta x will be put on temporary hiatus to ensure that he is able to take the time to rest and heal. We are sorry to any fans whom were due to attend upcoming concerts, your tickets will be valid still for a concert further in the future. However, the health of the members comes before anything else.  
Thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a request.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a request.

Changkyun felt heavy and drained. He had been on such a high high but now the medication he had been put on made him feel like a dead weight.

“How are you doing today Changkyun?” a polite faced psychiatrist asked.

“Tired” he uttered.

“Yes well, that will be the medication working. We have been monitoring you and have deemed it safe that you return home”.

It sounded so wrong to Changkyun, the fact he had to be considered safe to go back to his own home. He understood why though, looking back. He had almost hurt himself with a knife.

“We have put a plan in place for your medications and you will need to attend the appointments set up with your psychiatrist. I know this is a lot to take in and being Diagnosed with bi polar can seem like a scary thing. But if managed, you can lead a happy and normal life.”

‘Normal, he wasn’t normal. He had a mental illness’ he thought to himself.

“Do you have any questions?”

The boy shook his head. 

“Ok Changkyun, I will get your release papers sorted and then you can go. Your members are due to arrive soon to take you home.” He gave the boy a smile.

His members. This made his anxiety rise slightly. He hadn’t seen them since he was taken away in the ambulance. ‘They must think I’m crazy, heck, I am crazy’.

——————————

“It’s time for your next dose Changkyun” shownu stated.

Chankyun had been home a couple of days now. He still felt numb, the medication making him tired. All he seemed to have done the past few days is lay on the couch watching some random cartoon, his head often sat in one of the others laps. 

He carefully sat up, taking the pill and washing it down with some water. It was his new routine and he hated it. He hated that he was being treated like a piece of glass that would break any minute.

“Why don’t we go out for a walk, the fresh air will do you good”. Kihyun suggested.  
He could see the battle going on on the younger’s face.  
“We don’t have to if you don’t want too.”

“No, that sounds nice” Changkyun whispered.  
He didn’t really want to go but he was going to go crazy if he stayed in this dorm a minute longer.

“Well, ok then. Why don’t you go get ready”.

Changkyun nodded before scuffling off to his room.

“That’s a positive step” Wonho smiled.

Kihyun looked down the hallway before looking back at wonho.  
“Yeah, i suppose it is. I just don’t want to push him.”

———————————  
Changkyun was walking at the back of the group alongside wonho. They had decided to walk through their local park, ironically they had only ever stepped foot in here a handful of times. 

“The Trees are so green, don’t you think Kyun?”  
The boy nodded. To be honest he didn’t really care about the trees or the grass or the scenery. All he could think about was how numb the medication was making him feel.

“Hey, if it’s getting to much for you, we can head back.” Wonho stated.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just... I don’t know. I feel like I should be happy or feel something being here but I don’t. I don’t feel anything.”

Wonho put his arm around the rapper. “That’s just the medication. You heard what the doctor said, your body will take time to adjust to it.”

“Yeah, I guess. It just sucks.”

“I understand that, but in the long run it’s for the best”. He gave Changkyun a reassuring smile which the boy returned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for reading. Feel free to leave a request.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapters but thank you to those who are reading :) I was a little skeptical about posting any work as creative writing is not a strong point for me. Honestly didn’t expect anyone to read my work.

It had been a few weeks since Changkyun had come home. In the last week, he had returned to doing some practice and work with the members at the company. They were still on hiatus but they wanted to start preparations for their comeback. Changkyun thought it would make him happy but in reality he was miserable. The medication was still making him numb and he hated it. He felt like he had become a shell of who he once was. The psychiatrist only told him the same thing Wonho had, that his body was still adjusting. However, he had now been trusted to take the medication himself, he hadn’t given the members any reason not to trust him.

They were currently on break when Changkyun heard his watch beep, alerting him that it was time for his next dose. He walked over to his bag, grabbing the pill box and a bottle of water. He poured out 2 of the blue coloured pills in his hand. He went to put them in his mouth when he hesitated. Looking over his shoulder, he saw the other members busy in their own conversation.

“It wouldn’t hurt if I took only one pill for now” he whispered to himself.  
Discreetly, he put one back in the box and washed down the remaining. He wouldn’t tell the others he was lowering the dose himself, it was nothing serious.

———————————

He felt great, better than he had in a long time. It had been a week since he decided to lower the dose. He hadn’t smiled like this in forever.

“You look happy Kyun”. Minhyuk said.

“Yeah, I feel good. I think the medication is finally starting to work” he lied.

“That’s great to hear. Seeing as your in such a good mood, what do you think about grabbing lunch out today?”

“I think that sounds like a brilliant idea, I’ll just grab my jacket.” He smiled at the older before walking off in search of the item.

Minhyuk walked to the living room to join everyone else.  
“Kyun wants to go out to eat lunch, he’s in a good mood today” minhyuk beamed.

Shownu looked up to the boy and smiled. “That’s great, his medication must be working properly.”

—————————  
“Wow, look how fat that bird is!” Chankyun said as he shoved another bite of his burger in his mouth.  
“How on earth does he fly?”  
The others chuckled at this.

“It’s nice seeing him smile again” Hyungwon whispered to kihyun.

“Yeah it is” he paused briefly “it just feels a bit too sudden, don’t you think?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s just he was so down and depressed and now it’s like he’s just done a 180. I don’t know. I’m probably just over thinking things.” He sighed.

“I’m sure it’s just the effects of the medications. We should just be happy that he’s happy again”.

“Yeah, I guess.”  
However, Kihyun still had a nagging feeling in his gut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a request.


	7. Chapter 7

He felt on cloud 9. He had made the decision to stop taking the pills all together, he didn’t need them. He felt happier than he ever had. The smile refusing to fall from his face.  
They had decided to take a couple of days break from going to the studio. Most members favouring the couch to watch a film.  
Changkyun couldn’t sit still though.

“If you don’t want to watch the film Changkyun, then us two can do something else” jooheon suggested.  
“What would you like to do?”

The younger thought hard for a moment before opening his mouth. “Baking, I want to do some baking”. 

Jooheon smiled at the boy. “Sounds like a plan. Come on, let’s leave them too it. What would you like to bake?” He asked as he led the boy to the kitchen.

“Cookies. Everyone likes cookies!” He beamed.

Jooheon chuckled before helping the other collect all the ingredients and opening the baking book to the recipe.

They were half way through making the mixture when Changkyun began to hum. 

“Da de da, da da da”.

“Having fun there Kyun?”

“Yeah, it’s just a good day you know. I feel great.” He carried on stirring.  
“You know I want to be a baker if this music thing doesn’t work out.” 

Just then jooheon’s smile dropped. The familiar string of words causing him to gaze at the boy.

“I want to open a bakery, and ooo you could help, I could bake and you could sell them. It would be amazing”

“Changkyun, are you ok?”

“I’m brilliant thanks, how about you?” A huge grin on his face.

“Err.. I’m good thank you for asking. I’m just gonna ask kihyun something, won’t be long” he watched as the boy nodded. He walked off towards the other members.

“Hey hyungs” he whispered.

“Is something wrong jooheonie?” Shownu questioned.

“Err.. I’m not sure. It’s Kyun?”

They perked up at the mention of the maknae’s name.  
“What about him?”

“He’s acting strange. Saying all this stuff about how happy he is and how he wants to open a bakery and that.”

They all looked at each other before getting up to follow jooheon to the kitchen.

“Oh hey guys, have you come to help as well. I was just telling jooheon about how if music doesn’t work then I could become a baker.”

Kihyun took a step forward. “That’s err... that’s great Kyun. Hey are you sure you’re feeling ok?”

“What’s this, some kind of interrogation? I’m fine, brilliant actually” he carried on mixing.

“Have you been taking your meds chankyun?”

The boy stopped whisking, and looked up. Annoyance clear on his face.

“Seriously, you think that low of me?”

“No, no of course not. It’s just....”

“What? I have a few happy days and you think I’m having a breakdown. Well I’ve got news for you. I’m not!”

“Ok, ok we’re sorry. We are just worried about you.”

“Well don’t be. But hey look it’s time for my next dose.” Sounding bitter.  
He grabbed the pill bottle and poured out two pills. He momentarily paused, feeling sick to his stomach looking at the two blue cylinders in his hand. He shoved them in his mouth, dry swallowing them before opening it again to show the others.

“Happy now.” He spat, throwing the pill bottle on the counter before storming off.

“Changkyun wait, where are you going?” 

“To my room, if that’s ok with you. I’m tired. What? Do you want to watch me sleep as well now? Or am I able to do that by myself?”

“Of course you are, we’re sorry, we were just worried.” Wonho said before watching the bedroom door slam shut.

“He just needs time to cool off, that’s all” shownu said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a look at my other works :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left after this.

It was now 1 in the morning, the other members all asleep. Changkyun had stayed in his room after storming off, falling asleep soon after.

However, he had now woken up and he felt awful. Like there was a huge weight on his chest. He felt an overwhelming sense of grief and sadness, tears falling down his cheeks.

He slowly got up, feeling like each step was harder then the previous, carefully making his way to the kitchen.  
He began searching the draws before he came across what he had been searching for, a Stanley knife.

He began to sob, lowering himself down to the floor. 

“They all hate me, they hate me” he cried out putting the blade to his wrist.  
“I’ll make it better, I promise”.

————  
Jooheon was woken by the sound of a draw slamming shut. He looked over to the bed next to him seeing that it was empty.  
“Chankyun? Kyun?”

He put two and two together realising it was Changkyun making the noise. He’s probably thirsty or something, he thought. 

He made his way to the kitchen while rubbing his eyes. At first he caught no sight of the maknae. But then he heard sobs. He walked round the corner of the counter only to be frozen with shock. Chankyun was sobbing, blade now on the floor while blood flowed heavily from his wrist.

He quickly came to his senses before grabbing a tea towel and wrapping it tightly around the wound. The younger screamed in pain.

“It’s ok Kyun, it’s ok. KIHYUN, WONHO, SOMEONE.”  
Changkyun was only crying harder.  
Suddenly, the sound of footsteps were heard running into where the shouting had come from. 

“Oh my god..” minhyuk said, shock in his voice.

Kihyun ran past him before kneeling next to jooheon.

“What did he do?” A desperate tone to his voice.

“He cut his wrist, it’s bleeding pretty bad. We need to call an ambulance. Now!”

“I’m on it” they heard shownu call.

“Hey, Kyun look at me ok. You need to calm down. It’s gonna be ok.” Kihyun cupped the boys face.

“I... I.. just w..wanted it to s...stop. I wanted the p...pain to go away. P..please, make it go away.” He cried out.

Kihyun had no words, only tears in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, please have a look at my other works


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter :(  
> Thankyou all for reading.  
> Please check out my other work and feel free to leave a request for a future fanfic about Changkyun or J-Hope in the comments :)

Changkyun was asleep in the hospital bed, having been sedated as soon as he arrived. The doctors had been able to stop the bleeding, the wound not being as deep as they thought. It still required stitches however.

“We should have taken him to the doctors earlier, they would have picked up on the fact that he stopped taking his medication” Wonho stated.

“What’s happened has happened, we can’t keep saying what we wish we would have done. What matters is that he is ok, physically anyway.”’ Shownu responded.

Just then, the psychiatrist walk in.  
“Good morning. I have just come to inform you of the steps we will be taking. We have made the decision to commit Changkyun for a period of 3 weeks. Just so we can get him back on his medication and back into a routine. This time however, it will be a different medication.”

“What if he refuses to be committed”.

“I’m afraid he doesn’t have a choice. He has been deemed a danger to himself so we have the authority to keep him here. I wish it would be different circumstances but I truly believe this is for the best.”

They all nodded in understanding, they just wanted to help him.

———————

“3 weeks?” Changkyun quizzed.

“I know it sounds horrible Kyun, but you need help, they can give it to you here.” 

“I know. I need help, I know that now. I want to get better but I can’t do that on my own. I’m just...scared” A single tear falling down is cheek.

“It’s ok to be scared, it’s what makes you human, but it’s ok. It won’t feel like long, and we will visit you whenever we are allowed.”

Changkyun nodded at this.

“We’re proud of you Kyun. It takes a big step to admit you need help, I wish it would have happened sooner but now is as good as time as any”.

The younger smiled. “Thankyou” he whispered before giving in to sleep.

——————————

Like the doctors said, they had committed him for three weeks. He found it hard at first, adjusting to being monitored 24/7 again but he knew it was for his well-being. He had started his new medication. However, this time he was able to feel emotions again which he was glad about. It made him not worry. He had gone to all his group therapy sessions, allowing him to gain a better understanding of other people’s experiences and how they deal with it. It felt good knowing he was not alone.

Today he was being released. A new plan in place for his medication and a way to contact his therapist if he ever felt like not wanting to take it or if he felt he wanted to hurt himself again. 

For the first time in ages he felt positive about his illness, he now saw it as not something to be afraid of but something that was a part of him.

“Kyunnie” Hyungwon skipped happily.

“Hey guys, I’ve missed you.”

“We’ve missed you too, even though we saw you two days ago” Wonho chuckled.

“Are you ready to go?” Shownu asked.

“Yep I’m all set.” He held the pill bottle before shoving it in shownu’s hand. “Here, I think it’s best if you look after it”. He said with a small smile.

“Are you sure, I mean this is a big deal Kyun”.

“I’m sure, I don’t completely trust myself yet. In time maybe but not yet.”

The leader put his arm around his shoulder before the younger looked back, bidding goodbye to the place that had helped him.

————————

1 month later

Changkyun was currently sat nervously bouncing his leg up and down, a camera pointed towards him.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to Changkyun” the manager stated.

“No, I want to”

The other members gave him a reassuring smile.

“And...we’re rolling”

“Erm... hi everyone, I wasn’t sure whether to make this video for you all, to be honest I was petrified. But I realised that I don’t need to be scared. A lot of you know how Monsta x has been on hiatus, reason being me experiencing some medical issues. Well the truth is, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I know it sounds scary, I thought that at first. It caused me to do things I’m not proud off and it took me a while to really understand what it is. Well I’m here saying it’s nothing to be afraid of, it is a part of me now and I’m doing ok. I received the help I needed and it took me a long time to accept that help, but I’m glad I did. I just want to say that for anyone experiencing this or something similar, that you are not alone. There are people you can reach out to and people around you who will love and support you. That’s how I got through it. I have my 6 brothers with me and I will always be grateful. I think that is all I have to say. So Thankyou for taking the time to listen. We love you.” 

“And...cut”

Changkyun breathed a sigh of relief.

“You did good Kyun, we are so proud of you” kihyun said.

“Thankyou” he replied simply with a smile on his face.

Changkyun knew looking at the 6 people in front of him that he was going to be okay. Sure there would be tough times but he didn’t have to face it alone. At this point in time he could honestly say he finally felt truly happy.

END


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